Bring on the Rain... I'm chasing dreams

(Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw)
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.
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I have to say I've outgrown my divorce songs. "Over You" by Daughtry served me well. It vented my rage and bitterness when I blared it in my car and yelled it at the top of my lungs (when I was alone of course. I would never do that in front of the girls. Of course, we DID do that with Nickelback today, but that's a completely different, and very silly subject), it gave me hardened determination when the ring tone went off to warn me of who was on the other end. Even now I hear that song and I feel grateful. Grateful that I got out of that life that I was so dead in. Alone in. Depressed in. I don't wonder "is this all life is?" any more. I find satisfaction in the song now. I think "Defying Gravity" from the Wicked soundtrack still strikes a true chord in me, but it seems that I'm fighting a different sort of battle in life than what I have been. So a new song was needed. It finally hit me when I heard "Bring on the Rain" on the radio yesterday. This is it. I'm still battling child support. Even with ORS involved I'm getting less than I was when I was fighting it on my own. I only just found that out today when the first check from them came, I guess I get to call them Monday and find out what's going on exactly. But this has sent me into a whirlwind. I'm going back to school. I've sent in my application to the U of U to major in psychology and minor in... well I wanted to do English, my passion, but maybe I need something practical in there like a minor in communications instead. Because if I can't get into a graduate program at the U for psychology when I'm done with the Bachelors then I can't really do much with it. I've tossed it back and forth. I want to be a clinical psychologist, or a shrink per say. A marriage councilor... something. But you need that PhD for those things. Can I DO that? I'm already working full time and struggling to take care of the circus on my own. Granted my ex pops up for a weekend here and there and every other holiday, but let's face it, when it comes right down to the daily grind of "did you brush your teeth?" (asked any where from four to twelve times in a half hour), "how do I get you to a bday party and you to achievement days when I have to be at work until...?", "where's your homework, is it done?", "where's the permission slip?","your teacher told you to bring what? Do you have a note explaining that?", "did you get your chores done?" (asked, well, I don't think I ever stop asking that), and laundry and dinner EVERY night, because the kids have to eat, and "sheesh, did you REALLY have to grow two inches over night? What are you going to wear?!"... "when was the last time you took a shower? Well, go take one anyway." Can I really add chasing a PhD to this? I reply with a resounding YES! ABSOLUTELY! It makes me wonder, when did I stop dreaming? As a young girl I was going to be a Marine Biologist. I'm sure the penguin fetish helped with that. And as I became a teen and realized biology and science really weren't my strong points I was then going to become a graphic designer and work in advertising. Would you know, I actually got a job in an advertising agency right out of high school while I was going to college for that graphic design degree. But it didn't suit me either so hey, let's go for English, which had always been my strongest subject by far. I'm going to write and publish and edit! So when did I stop dreaming? About that time in my life actually. I got married. I had a family. And it was my absolute dream above all else to be that wife and that mother. Stepford would have been proud of me. That's where the "is this all there is?" comes in. I was alone in it. Depressed. I had this... something... amazingness?... just screaming to come out of me, and I was reaching for a husband who wasn't "there". Physically or emotionally. So the dreams stopped. And life stopped. I was still Stepford. But I wasn't Steph. I'm just shy of two years since I left him. And the dreams are back. PhD? Why not? I'm not very good at being ordinary. What's a more perfect way to teach my circus to run after what they want in life? Reach for the stars... and better yet, find a way to actually catch them, than by letting them watch me do it first hand? They're still my first priority, I'm doing this for them. I'm trying to make a better life for them, I'm trying to be solid in supporting them. Because if I don't no one else is going to.