I was talking to my dad today. How I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful that I was able to pull it together and take care of my circus as a single mom. Especially before ORS helped out with regular delivery of child support. I was blessed to be able to step up and get things done for my little girly family. I bought a reliable car, I bought a house. I fed them and clothed them and bought Christmas and presents for parties. But it's just a paycheck to me. (Again, very grateful for that paycheck!) I go through phases where my heart breaks because I wasn't, and haven't been able to since, be at home with them. After this year it won't really matter, Cali will be in first grade and they'll all be at school all day. But these past four years I have really had my phases, runs of time, where I have ACHED to be home with them. Do their hair in the morning. Attend their programs (that teachers seem to insist on having in the middle of the day) with out negotiation of longer lunches with a boss. Volunteer in their classrooms. Be there when they come rushing home with stories of the day. And if they're sick it would be so nice to not have to worry about how I can stay home with such and such a deadline looming over me. Sometimes it just hurts. That's all I ever wanted to be. I never really was able to settle on a career, or a degree in college. I just wanted to be a mom. The stay at home kind. I know, I'm still a mom. And a good one thank you very much. Despite what I tell myself sometimes. I still read with them before bed. I still make dinner, and they still help me. I'm just a phone call away to hear those stories of their day. And I think my working forces them to man up themselves. My six year old does laundry. They'll be prepared for the world. They'll be responsible (hopefully). And just because I didn't, and don't, have a choice on my working, doesn't mean I don't love them every bit as much as I would if I could stay home with them. I think this way, I understand a little more what those tender moments mean to me. I appreciate what a blessing it is to be a mom. I hope they understand. I hope they know, that given the choice, I would be home for them. I hope they know that it's for them that I do this. Life took a turn I never planned on. I hope they can see that when life does that, you man up, take it on, "come what may and love it", and move on. We do alright, our little circus. But sometimes I still ache for the plan I had for myself.
Apr 7, 2011
Sometimes the back up plan just isn't cutting it
I was talking to my dad today. How I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful that I was able to pull it together and take care of my circus as a single mom. Especially before ORS helped out with regular delivery of child support. I was blessed to be able to step up and get things done for my little girly family. I bought a reliable car, I bought a house. I fed them and clothed them and bought Christmas and presents for parties. But it's just a paycheck to me. (Again, very grateful for that paycheck!) I go through phases where my heart breaks because I wasn't, and haven't been able to since, be at home with them. After this year it won't really matter, Cali will be in first grade and they'll all be at school all day. But these past four years I have really had my phases, runs of time, where I have ACHED to be home with them. Do their hair in the morning. Attend their programs (that teachers seem to insist on having in the middle of the day) with out negotiation of longer lunches with a boss. Volunteer in their classrooms. Be there when they come rushing home with stories of the day. And if they're sick it would be so nice to not have to worry about how I can stay home with such and such a deadline looming over me. Sometimes it just hurts. That's all I ever wanted to be. I never really was able to settle on a career, or a degree in college. I just wanted to be a mom. The stay at home kind. I know, I'm still a mom. And a good one thank you very much. Despite what I tell myself sometimes. I still read with them before bed. I still make dinner, and they still help me. I'm just a phone call away to hear those stories of their day. And I think my working forces them to man up themselves. My six year old does laundry. They'll be prepared for the world. They'll be responsible (hopefully). And just because I didn't, and don't, have a choice on my working, doesn't mean I don't love them every bit as much as I would if I could stay home with them. I think this way, I understand a little more what those tender moments mean to me. I appreciate what a blessing it is to be a mom. I hope they understand. I hope they know, that given the choice, I would be home for them. I hope they know that it's for them that I do this. Life took a turn I never planned on. I hope they can see that when life does that, you man up, take it on, "come what may and love it", and move on. We do alright, our little circus. But sometimes I still ache for the plan I had for myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
That is really touching. I feel for you Stephanie. I'm sure your girls know how much you'd prefer to be home with them. As you said your are doing it for them. You're molding some pretty amazing girls and they have a great example of a hard worker to look up to.
aw steph, you sound like a gal I knew a few years back, who dealt with the same things. It was hard- but I think her kids (Nick, Kristin and Kimmy) grew up ok and understand today that she did the best she could. I have some pretty terrific grandkids, so I think that reflects the good job you're doing! be proud, hon!
I think I may just copy this and hang it on my fridge! I struggle daily right along with you. You are an AMAZING Mom and your circus +2 are sooo lucky to have you! You are the kind of Mom that I long to be like for my midgets. Thanks for posting this today and for being someone I want to be more like!! =)
Very well written Steph. Us, single moms (at one moment in time) have to do things differently and our kids understand, if they don't now they will. They will see everything that has been scarficed for them to have the wonderful life that they do.
I would give anything to be home with J and be there when Dan gets out, but it is not in the cards right now so I, like you will take each and every moment I am given and try to make it the best, even if it is just story time before bed.
You conveyed everything that I feel on a daily basis. I needed this today so much, so THANK YOU!
Your kids are incredibly lucky to have a mom that did everything you have done and will do. Congrats to you my friend.
So well written! You are so amazing and you are molding some amazing people!
I think your last line sums up life in general: "I still ache for the plan I had for myself." I don't think there's a person on the planet that doesn't think that at one time or another (or all the time:) You have guilt that you're not home more for your kids and I have guilt that I'm not actually "here" when they get home, even thought I'm here. We're women. "Men are that they might have joy...And women are that they might have guilt." But you are an amazing mom and your girls get it. Or they will, when they have children of their own. Can't tell you how many times a week I have to call my parents and eat crow and apologize and say thank you.
Thanks Stephanie. You really do great. We all need to be less critical of ourselves. Me included. Life is hard, and not what we had planned....
Post a Comment