who am i to say that i'm not someone?

Last night The Man said I was ornery.

I didn't feel ornery.

But I guess I must have been less than gentle with my dealings with the circus.

And now I feel bad.

So tonight I will make a conscious effort to listen to how my words are coming out of my mouth.  And I'll take the time to have one on one interaction with each child at some point.  I'm hoping that being a gentle, soft mom is something that I can learn.  I don't think I'm very good at it.

I read in Casidee's autobiography that being the oldest was hard for her.  She's expected to do everything.  She's expected to do it perfectly.

I just want her to know that she has amazing potential.  I know she can do these things and be amazing.  Maybe I put too much pressure on her. 

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself.  I so desperately want to be someone.  And I have to do it all, and do it all perfectly.  It overwhelms me.

I'm overwhelming my daughter.

I'm overwhelming the circus.

Who am I to say that I'm not someone?  What right do I have to say that? 

My kids love me.  They braid they're hair the same way that I have mine braided.  They talk of joining the cross country team so they can run like me.  They're going to open up restaurants with my recipes and decorate cakes like me.  I'm going to decorate their wedding cakes.  They want to wear clothes that look like mine, they plan on driving Camry's when they can drive, just like I do.  They want to read "that" book when I'm done with it.  And "go with", even if it's just grocery shopping.  What's your favorite color Mom?  Mine too.  Penguins are awesome, aren't they Mom.

They're learning to be parents from me.

Can I read this book to you Mom?

Can I sit by you Mom?

Will you look at this Mom?

Are you going to tuck me in?

Who am I to say I'm not someone, when  everything the circus is doing is telling me that I am?

Tonight I will be gentle.  I will be soft.  And I will know that I am their someone.

And they are mine.