who am i to say that i'm not someone?

Last night The Man said I was ornery.

I didn't feel ornery.

But I guess I must have been less than gentle with my dealings with the circus.

And now I feel bad.

So tonight I will make a conscious effort to listen to how my words are coming out of my mouth.  And I'll take the time to have one on one interaction with each child at some point.  I'm hoping that being a gentle, soft mom is something that I can learn.  I don't think I'm very good at it.

I read in Casidee's autobiography that being the oldest was hard for her.  She's expected to do everything.  She's expected to do it perfectly.

I just want her to know that she has amazing potential.  I know she can do these things and be amazing.  Maybe I put too much pressure on her. 

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself.  I so desperately want to be someone.  And I have to do it all, and do it all perfectly.  It overwhelms me.

I'm overwhelming my daughter.

I'm overwhelming the circus.

Who am I to say that I'm not someone?  What right do I have to say that? 

My kids love me.  They braid they're hair the same way that I have mine braided.  They talk of joining the cross country team so they can run like me.  They're going to open up restaurants with my recipes and decorate cakes like me.  I'm going to decorate their wedding cakes.  They want to wear clothes that look like mine, they plan on driving Camry's when they can drive, just like I do.  They want to read "that" book when I'm done with it.  And "go with", even if it's just grocery shopping.  What's your favorite color Mom?  Mine too.  Penguins are awesome, aren't they Mom.

They're learning to be parents from me.

Can I read this book to you Mom?

Can I sit by you Mom?

Will you look at this Mom?

Are you going to tuck me in?

Who am I to say I'm not someone, when  everything the circus is doing is telling me that I am?

Tonight I will be gentle.  I will be soft.  And I will know that I am their someone.

And they are mine.

Life Lessons While Roller Skating

You can learn a lot by hanging out with your kids.  Luckily for me, we haven't yet hit that time in life when the circus doesn't want to hang out with me.  In all truthfulness, they are my best friends.  Well, them and The Man.  If I want to go and do something, it's usually The Man and the circus that I want to go and do it with.Yesterday Brynn got invited to go to Classic Skating with a friend.  And then Cas got invited to go with a friend.  And then Sean and Jayme got invited to go with their grandma.  Classic has a Thursday deal where it's only a dollar to get in on Thursdays, but what in the world was going on that everyone was suddenly picking this Thursday, of all Thursdays, to go?  Needless to say, Tay and Cali were feeling pretty left out so I told them that I would take them too.
From here a couple of things happened.
Firstly, Jayme and Sean didn't end up going to Classic, they went somewhere else so we didn't get to see them there.  Sad.
Secondly, Casidee's friend, D, called and told her that she'd gone to the middle school when she wasn't supposed to and had gotten herself grounded so she could no longer go to Classic.  No worries.  Cas could just go with me since I was already committed to taking Tay and Cali.
This story gets interesting when we found, after arriving at Classic, that the said friend, D, was there.  With other friends, including one of Casidee's bffs, A.  Not only had she lied to Cas, and ditched her, but she had walked there and met up with 7th grade boys.
Cas and I had a pretty good heart to heart, sitting right there on a hard bench in an overly loud skating rink.
We decided that even though it sucked, like really sucked (that's 6th grade language), to have been lied to and not been included, Cas had come out on the better end of the situation.  And she could see that. The walk from our house to Classic is longer than I would have allowed (three and a half miles, one way... that's too long of walk for a 6th grader in my opinion).  Especially in the dark.  I would have told Cas no if she'd told me she was walking to Classic with D.  When we got there and saw them, we noticed that A was looking pretty miserable.  They weren't skating, just walking around with these boys.  When A saw that Cas was there, she got some skates and spent the rest of the time with Cas.  Cas and I talked about, despite the being left out feeling, would she really have been having fun, now that she could see what D was doing there? No.  A wasn't pleased with the situation, and Cas wouldn't have been either.  Yes, she was left out, but this way she wasn't stuck being there and doing nothing with boys she didn't know.  And I loved that Cas would sit there with me, her nerdy mom,shoulder to shoulder, in front of all those kids, and really talk to me about the situation.  And that even though D was there with those boys, Cas and A would come and sit by me in between their skating rounds.  I hope this level of relationship will last with my circus.
A ended up telling D that she was going to get a ride home from us.  D didn't seem to care.  I don't think I'll be letting Cas hang out with D too much in the future.  Though I'm thankful to have been able to see that A is a good friend.
The third thing that happened last night was stinking cute Tayler bug got asked to "skate" not once, but twice during the snowball boys choice round.  I was sitting on my hard bench when I looked up and spotted Tay making her way around the rink... with a boy.  What? Super shy Tay is skating with a boy?  I tried not to be the embarrassing mom, and stayed put, but only until after the snowball was done.  I called her over when she was skating on her own and asked her if she had been skating with a boy? She denied it and I wondered if I had seen wrong, when a friend of Tay's skates up and blurts out, "she skated with two boys!" Two? I was so floored! My sweet quiet Tay skated with two boys? Tay just grinned.  I knew I had seen it! She had been asked by a boy her own age, and by a teenage boy who was being nice and asking littler kids to skate.
How grateful I am that I hung around at Classic last night, instead of just dropping the kids off.  I was there to help Cas through a tough friend situation, and I got to be there for a boy moment with Tay.  And Cali was full of hugs for me through out the evening.
Nothing can replace time well spent with my circus.

Giving back, but taking more

I remember how hard it was right after my divorce.  Not the fact that I got divorced, I've actually been very at peace with that decision.  It was most definitely the best thing I could have done.  But what I'm thinking of is how hard church was.

I was already on the brink of inactivity.  Cali was such a force of nature.  Who am I kidding? She still is.  Cali, at three years old would act up.  She would get irate that she couldn't sit by me because her sisters got there first.  Or throw a tantrum over... who knew.  And I would have to take her out of Sacrament Meeting.  But what stressed me out was what was I supposed to do with the other three girls?  They weren't exactly old enough to sit there on their own.  Tayler was four and Casidee at the oldest was seven.  And without fail Cali would start her tantrums... and I was stressed beyond anything every Sunday.
I dreaded church.  It tried me on every level.  The place I was supposed to be gaining strength and support, was my biggest trial.
Some how I made it through that period of life.  I still go to church on my own, and the girls are now old enough to sit quietly (with a lot of shushing from their mother). Even Cali can quietly content herself with the church books in our bag for the hour.
A few weeks ago we had a tweak in our bishopric, essentially adding a new member to it.  Last week I saw his wife, across the chapel, walk out, carrying a not yet two year old, very fussy, twin daughter in her arms, while her other not yet two year old twin daughter and her five year old trailed behind her.
And I felt all the tenderness of the trial of that moment.  Only hers is a greater sacrifice than mine was because her husband wasn't sitting with her out of service to everyone else.
I had no doubts about what she needed.  And I had no doubts about what it was I was going to do.
Yesterday I sat with her.  I didn't have the circus with me, they were with their dad.  But I sat with her and in the first half hour of the meeting the twin girls started getting on each other's nerves.  She pointed out afterwards that it's at that point that it's all over for her.  Once they start in on each other there's no turning back.
But this time, she was able to take one into her lap, and I was able to take one into mine, and they were able to get their own attention, away from each other.  And she was able to sit through the whole meeting, with out having to take her kids out.
Maybe I didn't hear anything those speakers said yesterday.  But as I held that little girl on my lap and pointed out pictures in a book to her, I have never felt my heart so full. And next week the circus will be right there with us.  Doing the most simple of things, sitting with these little girls.  And maybe next week with the circus there to point out pictures in books to them, we mother's might actually get to listen to a thing or two.
I didn't have anyone helping me when I was in that particular situation.  But I have had help in my life when my needs have been great.  And I am truly more blessed than I deserve. How grateful I am to be able to give back a little.  And even as I try to "give back" a little, I think I'm still going to walk away from this experience taking more than I gave.

Thanks Mom

Every once in a while you get a small hint that maybe, just maybe, they're going to turn out okay despite you. (Click on the picture to read it better).

Lying to my children about Santa Claus

I've heard it mentioned a few different times this season... lying to our kids about Santa Claus. 

I guess I'm a little taken back by it.  I don't recall it ever being phrased in such a blatant and, well, rather harsh way.  Lying to my child about Santa.

Here's how I see it.
Santa is the spirit of giving.  Unselfishness.  Hope.  Love.  Acceptance of all.  As my children grow older and they ask the inevitable question, "Does Santa really existence?" The answer in my home is, "As long as you believe, Santa will come." Santa is in us all.  And perhaps at other times of the year we simply just call it charity.  Or service.  But come Christmas time, that wonderful time of the year, we all become a little more focused on it.  We start looking around us, and we starting giving and loving just a little bit more. 
I don't think it a terrible thing to create the magic of Santa for our children.  Because that's exactly what we're doing.  Creating magic.  And as they grow, it gives the lesson of the spirit of giving all the more substance, because they've felt it.  They know it.  And now they're a part of it too.
So am I lying to my child about Santa? No.  I'm creating memories, visions, and lessons to last a life time.  And I'm okay with doing that.  I'm also okay that my parents did that for me as a child.  And I hope that my kids will do it for theirs.
To each and every one of you, with out fear of being politically correct, or being religiously offensive, I simply say "Merry Christmas."  This wonderful time, that no matter your beliefs or orientations of life, when we can all have a common feeling of "good will towards men."

Still

Sometimes a song just jumps out and hits a chord with my life. Sometimes it wraps up all my jumbled thoughts and feelings and plays it out all nicely in a way where I just *sigh*, and nod along, "yeah, that's it exactly."
I had that this morning.
Yesterday I went to bed feeling so... so... grateful. So blessed. And there was no doubt in my mind where this all comes from. And it leaves me feeling... in awe at His love for me. To bless me with such an amazing life, amazing experiences. And maybe it leaves me feeling a little overwhelmed at the richness of the goodness that surrounds me. I'll say it again. I am blessed. And I went to bed last night with the feelings of awe and thankfulness at this life that is mine. This morning I still felt the same, and this song hit me while I was driving to work.

Still - Tim McGraw - Tim McGraw Videos

Still
Sung by Tim McGraw
There's a place I like to go
Where I can hear the cotton grow
Midnight train whistles blow
A dozen miles down the road
All I really have to do is just be still
There's a place I love to be
Mom and Daddy my sister and me
First time I ever saw the beach
Back to 1983
All I really have to do is just be still
When this road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still
There's a place that I can see
Where my baby's next to me
Close enough to feel the heat
All wound up beneath the sheets
All I have to do is just be still
When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still
There's a place I need to go
Where the stained glass windows glow
Every part of me is known
Thank God I can go there
Thank God I can go there
Still
Still
Oh
Thank God I can go there still

And I don't know if it's the lyrics, or the feel of the music, or all of it tied together, but this is it. I have so much. I get to do so much, and experience so much and my life is just so full. And maybe it's because even when the road gets crazy and tries to break me, I can close my eyes no matter where I am and just be still. With Him.

Happy birthday baby girl

*I wrote this yesterday on Cali's birthday, but am only getting around to actually posting it today*
!Warning: may have a bit more information than some of you may want to read :)!
Four years ago today we were coming to the end of a very long and very stressful pregnancy. At 13 weeks I was vacuuming the kitchen (yes, our kitchen at the time had carpet! Terrible!) when suddenly I felt like I was peeing my pants. It caught me completely by surprise and I “held it” and ran to the bathroom, cursing pregnancy. What I found in the bathroom made me sick to my stomach. I can’t even find a fitting word for the amount of blood that started coming forth. In a panic I called my OB and received direct instructions to get there immediately (being as we were in Washington farming at the time, the doctor was an hour away). In a panic I called Chandlor who was luckily in a tractor right outside our house, and not half way across town. He came in to watch the three girls while I drove to the doctor's. It was so bad I was leaving puddles of blood in every chair I sat in. I was apologizing profusely and the nurse kept telling me to stop apologizing. After an ultra sound confirmed that my baby was still alive (it was at that point that my panic turned into tears of relief) they hospitalized me, waiting to see if I would miscarry. I did not. I was sent home and put on bed rest. I had three little girls to take care of and I had to miss Bill and Jessica’s wedding, but somehow we made it through a month of bed rest. By the end of it I decided that I had to get up. I had to take care of the children I already had. After a month of bed rest I went in for another ultra sound where they found that the placenta had hemorrhaged and Cali , though we didn’t even know her gender at the time, was surrounded 50% by blood. I was given a 50/50 shot at keeping her. They were afraid that the placenta would be too weak to nourish her and hold her as she got bigger, or that she would run out of room to grow with all the blood around her. From there we started weekly stress tests and monthly ultra sounds to check on her. We passed the time for miscarriage and started worrying about premature birth. Finally, two weeks before she was due (she was due on my 26th birthday) we went to the hospital to check her lungs, hoping they would be developed enough to have a C-section and get her out of there… me. Her lungs weren’t ready, so the C-section was scheduled for the following week, my doctor giving me every reassurance that the count was high enough she was certain one week was all that was needed. After six months of weekly doctor’s visits (an hour one way) I was exhausted from the emotional and physical strain. Jan 28, 2005 I went into the surgery, and nearly lost my life from complications of my own body. We had never, through all the ultra sounds, found out Cali ’s gender, and everyone in that delivery room knew that we had three girls already. What should have take 15 minutes took and hour and a half. I had the anesthesiologist at my head the entire time. I was fighting to breathe and stay focused, I felt distant and disconnected from what was happening and he could tell. Finally, “it’s another girl!” Cheers and laughs from the entire room and tears from me. My baby made it, and so did I.
The one thing that drives me INSANE about Cali is her stubborn streak, and her outrageous will to do it HER way on HER time. And we butt heads constantly on “you have to listen and do these things when it’s time”. But I’m so grateful for that outrageous stubbornness of hers, for it’s exactly that got her through the pregnancy.
Cali is four today. So in tribute to my “beast”, or as my (step)dad calls her, “nitro”, here’s four things I love about Cali :
1. Her absolute energy for life. It’s exhausting at times to see how intense she always is, but I’ve learned to pick my battles and sick back and laugh at it. She does everything full force, holding nothing back. This little girl is going places in life.
2. She is my cuddliest girl. Even in the hospital after she was born, the nurses would come in and comment on how this baby just wanted to be held all the time. It made for a very hard time when she was a baby and I had to run the rest of the family, but I love hugs and cuddles with my Cali .
3. She is so crazy. Some of the things she puts on in the morning… and when I ask her to please change, as we’re actually leaving the house today, that stubborn side kicks in! I must admit I’ve taken her to daycare in a dance tutu and snowboots before, just to save a fight. And when asked a bit ago how old she was, instead of saying three she said five. When called out on it, she simple smiled and said. “I’m pretending.”
4. She is so eager to learn and do all the things her big sisters do. “Can I cook today?” “We have to read my homework Mom” “How do I do this?” She is always trying to grasp something new in her life. Again, this little girl is going to go places in life.
Happy birthday Cali-boo. You ARE the beast of my circus and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I'm marketable

I've decided to do family counseling with my girlies.

I don't know how to help them process their feelings from the divorce and all that has ensued since.

Frankly, I have feelings and issues of my own from the marriage.

I've worked with my bishop and today met with a councilor at LDS Family Services. I wasn't going to mention that I'm doing this, mostly because I'm being counseled too, but I figured, frankly, some of the things he said today were hilarious, and I know I'm not the only one who struggles in life, so perhaps someone can take these things to help themselves, as I'm taking them to help me.

I met with him on my own today to prep him with the happenings and goings on so he'll be prepared to meet with my girls next week. What he told me was I might as well forget about being single. I don't stand a chance at it, I'm toast.

He said I'm too... for lack of a better word and being completely unromantic "marketable".

That became a running joke through the whole hour. I did like these suggestions and plan to start using them immediately with myself and my girls.

He said I can't help anyone until I am solid in knowing that I am a beautiful, special daughter of God and am loved.

So that's the first thing I get to work on.

My self esteem issues.

He told me to write letters to my ex and write all the things that I've never been allowed to say out loud. For example "I hate how you made me do..." or "I can't believe you... to me." Then he said literally burn them. Strike a match and watch those letters, and remarkably the feelings attached to them, go up in flames.

He also said keep a happy journal, or an "I rock" journal. Only write the good things that happened or were said to me that day.

And finally he told me to buy loose leafs for the girls and a hole punch and every time they're sad about their dad, or miss him, to sit with them and write and draw a memory with them about him, and put it in their book. He said start back as far as I and they can remember and go all the way through the divorce and his wedding.

So those are the things I'm going to start doing.