who am i to say that i'm not someone?

Last night The Man said I was ornery.

I didn't feel ornery.

But I guess I must have been less than gentle with my dealings with the circus.

And now I feel bad.

So tonight I will make a conscious effort to listen to how my words are coming out of my mouth.  And I'll take the time to have one on one interaction with each child at some point.  I'm hoping that being a gentle, soft mom is something that I can learn.  I don't think I'm very good at it.

I read in Casidee's autobiography that being the oldest was hard for her.  She's expected to do everything.  She's expected to do it perfectly.

I just want her to know that she has amazing potential.  I know she can do these things and be amazing.  Maybe I put too much pressure on her. 

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself.  I so desperately want to be someone.  And I have to do it all, and do it all perfectly.  It overwhelms me.

I'm overwhelming my daughter.

I'm overwhelming the circus.

Who am I to say that I'm not someone?  What right do I have to say that? 

My kids love me.  They braid they're hair the same way that I have mine braided.  They talk of joining the cross country team so they can run like me.  They're going to open up restaurants with my recipes and decorate cakes like me.  I'm going to decorate their wedding cakes.  They want to wear clothes that look like mine, they plan on driving Camry's when they can drive, just like I do.  They want to read "that" book when I'm done with it.  And "go with", even if it's just grocery shopping.  What's your favorite color Mom?  Mine too.  Penguins are awesome, aren't they Mom.

They're learning to be parents from me.

Can I read this book to you Mom?

Can I sit by you Mom?

Will you look at this Mom?

Are you going to tuck me in?

Who am I to say I'm not someone, when  everything the circus is doing is telling me that I am?

Tonight I will be gentle.  I will be soft.  And I will know that I am their someone.

And they are mine.

Life Lessons While Roller Skating

You can learn a lot by hanging out with your kids.  Luckily for me, we haven't yet hit that time in life when the circus doesn't want to hang out with me.  In all truthfulness, they are my best friends.  Well, them and The Man.  If I want to go and do something, it's usually The Man and the circus that I want to go and do it with.Yesterday Brynn got invited to go to Classic Skating with a friend.  And then Cas got invited to go with a friend.  And then Sean and Jayme got invited to go with their grandma.  Classic has a Thursday deal where it's only a dollar to get in on Thursdays, but what in the world was going on that everyone was suddenly picking this Thursday, of all Thursdays, to go?  Needless to say, Tay and Cali were feeling pretty left out so I told them that I would take them too.
From here a couple of things happened.
Firstly, Jayme and Sean didn't end up going to Classic, they went somewhere else so we didn't get to see them there.  Sad.
Secondly, Casidee's friend, D, called and told her that she'd gone to the middle school when she wasn't supposed to and had gotten herself grounded so she could no longer go to Classic.  No worries.  Cas could just go with me since I was already committed to taking Tay and Cali.
This story gets interesting when we found, after arriving at Classic, that the said friend, D, was there.  With other friends, including one of Casidee's bffs, A.  Not only had she lied to Cas, and ditched her, but she had walked there and met up with 7th grade boys.
Cas and I had a pretty good heart to heart, sitting right there on a hard bench in an overly loud skating rink.
We decided that even though it sucked, like really sucked (that's 6th grade language), to have been lied to and not been included, Cas had come out on the better end of the situation.  And she could see that. The walk from our house to Classic is longer than I would have allowed (three and a half miles, one way... that's too long of walk for a 6th grader in my opinion).  Especially in the dark.  I would have told Cas no if she'd told me she was walking to Classic with D.  When we got there and saw them, we noticed that A was looking pretty miserable.  They weren't skating, just walking around with these boys.  When A saw that Cas was there, she got some skates and spent the rest of the time with Cas.  Cas and I talked about, despite the being left out feeling, would she really have been having fun, now that she could see what D was doing there? No.  A wasn't pleased with the situation, and Cas wouldn't have been either.  Yes, she was left out, but this way she wasn't stuck being there and doing nothing with boys she didn't know.  And I loved that Cas would sit there with me, her nerdy mom,shoulder to shoulder, in front of all those kids, and really talk to me about the situation.  And that even though D was there with those boys, Cas and A would come and sit by me in between their skating rounds.  I hope this level of relationship will last with my circus.
A ended up telling D that she was going to get a ride home from us.  D didn't seem to care.  I don't think I'll be letting Cas hang out with D too much in the future.  Though I'm thankful to have been able to see that A is a good friend.
The third thing that happened last night was stinking cute Tayler bug got asked to "skate" not once, but twice during the snowball boys choice round.  I was sitting on my hard bench when I looked up and spotted Tay making her way around the rink... with a boy.  What? Super shy Tay is skating with a boy?  I tried not to be the embarrassing mom, and stayed put, but only until after the snowball was done.  I called her over when she was skating on her own and asked her if she had been skating with a boy? She denied it and I wondered if I had seen wrong, when a friend of Tay's skates up and blurts out, "she skated with two boys!" Two? I was so floored! My sweet quiet Tay skated with two boys? Tay just grinned.  I knew I had seen it! She had been asked by a boy her own age, and by a teenage boy who was being nice and asking littler kids to skate.
How grateful I am that I hung around at Classic last night, instead of just dropping the kids off.  I was there to help Cas through a tough friend situation, and I got to be there for a boy moment with Tay.  And Cali was full of hugs for me through out the evening.
Nothing can replace time well spent with my circus.

What happens when you have five daughters

  Julie-mom said it best, "Oh yeah... I especially like it with the hairy toes."

Clean bedrooms might be overrated

12 phone calls in 2 1/2 hours.
If they spent less time calling me about playing when the bedroom is clean then can I go to a friend's, they might actually have been done with the bedroom by now and really could go to a friend's.
But that would be too simple.
Instead I get, "can I go?"
"Is your room clean?"
"My stuff is."
That's code for the room isn't clean.
Or I ask, "Are you working on your room right now?"
"No."
"Why not?" asked in pure exasperation and frustration.
"Because I'm on the phone with you."
Do they think this is helping their cause?

B.S. for dinner

Last night as we were sitting down for dinner, Sean declares, "I'm eating nothing but b.s. for dinner."  And I choked on my bite.
Of course, when BLT's are what's for dinner, this easily translates to Bacon Sandwich.  As in, no L or T on his BLT, thank you very much. Still...

The finer points of eating like a girl.

I'm a sucker for cookie dough.
Our neighbor's son came by our house a few weeks ago selling cookie dough to raise money for... wait stop. You had me at "cookie dough". Hand me the order form.
The cookie dough arrived yesterday. The kids were nestled all snug in there beds, and the man and I were snuggled on the couch watching... something. It was a guy show. I made my way into the kitchen, and came back with a bucket of cookie dough and a spoon. As I curled up in to the couch next to the man again he burst out laughing.
"What?" I asked.
"What are you, a girl?"
Well come on now. Duh. "As a matter of fact, I AM..."
"I mean, like a high school girl. You come out here with cookie dough and a spoon? And that's it? You're just going to eat it?"
He kept laughing at me. I just sat back and ate my cookie dough. I kid you not, it wasn't but three minutes later that he disappeared into the kitchen and came back with... a spoon.
"What are you, a girl?" I ask.
He laughs, "I knew you would have something to say about this. But you're sitting there eating it and I can SMELL it."
He digs in.
"See? Girls know how to do it. I bet you don't even feel like crying anymore."
At this we both burst out laughing.
The finer points of teaching my man to eat like a girl. On the couch with a bucket of cookie dough, spoons, watching a... well, NOT a chick flick. We'll keep working on it.

How do you clean?

I asked Cali to go upstairs and clean out her closet. Which really only means to hang up all the clothes instead of throwing them on top of the shoes.
2 hours later I went to check on her and this is what I found. EVERYTHING had been removed from the closet and she was fast asleep in it.
Isn't that how you clean?

Anxiety or Adventure. Either way, I'm taking it on.

I have to admit, I'm having large amounts of anxiety over the changes in my life right now. All of which I have voluntarily taken on, which doesn't help the anxiety. Because if it wasn't the right thing to do with my life, then I have no one to blame but myself.

I actually have a good, stable job. It pays my bills, it's steady, and I can do it well. Granted I have to drive 40-45 min in my commute, granted I get annoyed with how things and people are treated and handled, granted I have had to fight for every increase I've ever received there, but they've been good to me. I have received those increases. They give me flexibility when I need it for my circus. And I've been doing it for almost 4 years now, so it is very much my comfort zone now.

And they don't want me to leave. I have been offered more money, more vacation time, more flexibility to move around and work in the stores for variety and training (I'd asked for that at one time and was told no), and I've been offered an assistant. An assistant. Really? I'm hearing with every phone call that the store managers don't want me to leave, the owners don't want me to leave, the controller doesn't want me to leave (his #1 candidate to replace me is at the top of the list because she reminds him so much of me. He said her animation and her conversation was just so similar to me, and they need more of me around this place. How's that for a compliment?), and even our outsourced HR guy doesn't want me to leave. Our IT guy told me how the owner really likes me and... doesn't want me to leave.

I have to admit that the sound of the money almost had me. Almost. But then I remember why I'm doing it. I'm not done proving myself to life yet. I am in with the state. And who knows where I can take it?

And that's just it. I know what I'm being offered at Burt Brothers to stay. And it's not at all shabby. What I'll be able to do with the State is yet to be determined. And it's really hard for me to walk away from something so certain to go to something that isn't.

Getting a job right now is still kind of hard. And getting a job with the state is even harder still. I hit a point in the application process where I knew I wasn't going to be allowed to go any farther. I had to pass a typing test with 60 wpm and I didn't do it. I can type. When I'm good and warmed up I can flow at 67 wpm. But that day... oh that day, I couldn't type to save my life and I couldn't not reach their requirement of 60 wpm. I knew I was out of the running. And yet...

It has come together for me when it shouldn't have. And maybe when things come together so easily like it was meant to be, then maybe it was meant to be. And despite the uncertainty, it feels good. I'm excited to go in and prove my worth to them. And hopefully stumble into something that I really enjoy.

Hopefully the anxiety will subside once I get going there. I hope to go somewhere with it. It's time for the new adventure.

Pretty in Pink

Rhymes with "May"

Cali's last homework for this year was to think of 5 things that rhyme with "May". She got "hey", and "lay" and "pay" and then got stuck. So after a few minutes of thinking I decided to help her out by giving her the hint "think of you sister." I was thinking of "Tay" or "Jay". But Cali scrunches up her face in confussion and looks at me at me like I've lost my mind. "Casidee?"

I like how Sean thinks

As we were driving to the family breakfast before my sister Kimmy's wedding rehearsal (more on that later), we drove past the local amusement park, Lagoon (which after going to Knott's Berry Farm, we decided our park (here and here) can roll with the best of them. It's pretty cool!). Sean starts talking about how it's making him want to go there so bad, all summer long.
I remind him that we bought season passes to Raging Waters (which is now apparently Seven Peaks) instead of Lagoon.

Which after our fun adventure there last year, Sean was OK with that.

So he says, "Hey! I have a great idea! We should go to Raging Waters on Thursday since it's our first day to not have school!"

To which I reply, "that IS a great idea, but Dad and I have work on Thursday."

He was shocked. "You have to work in the summer??"

I hear ya buddy, I'm just as appalled by it as you are.

Extra Extra, read all about it!

Extra curricular activities. Growing up I bounced around a lot in the things that I was involved in. It may have been that I was fickle or wishy washy. I didn't really know what I wanted to do so I tried a little bit of everything. I think the phrase I'll use to describe it is "well rounded"...

In Jr. High I played on the school basketball team, was a member of the Peer Leadership Team, was anchor person for the school's news program, and was on the yearbook staff. In High School I was on the Spirit Club (being loosely translated to Sophomore cheerleaders, but there were 20 of us and we stood in the stands for football games, though we got to be "regular" cheerleaders for the Sophomore basketball games), again on the Peer Leadership Team, I played on the Water Polo team, was a member of the seminary council, was Jr. Class Vice President, was a member of the National Honor's Society, and I was up to my eyeballs in art projects. I loved every minute of it.

I'm not really being nostalgic here. My oldest is coming up on the end of her 5th grade year. Next year she will rule the school as a 6th grader. Today she tries out for student council. She's already had to gather a petition of peer signatures and write an essay on why she wants to be on council and what she has to offer it, and now, she has to do a skit. I wish I could go and watch her, but it's during 6th grade lunch. She's going to get up in front of the council advisor teachers, and the current council members and show them what she's got. She's doing a magic show... a magic show gone wrong. She will ruin three tricks, "unintentionally" giving secrets away and botching every trick. She's a natural at hamming it up and she's going to nail it.

I think tonight I'll have her do it for us again (she was working it for us and had us busting a gut every time she thought of a new way to spoil a trick) so I can record it and post it on here.

I thought it was fun to be involved as I grew up. Let me tell you, it's strangely even more rewarding to watch my child become involved. Maybe somewhere in all my trial and error mothering, I somehow helped her become a responsible, contributing member of society. Or perhaps she's becoming that even despite me.

My Mom texts...

...is this a good thing? picture found here

"I absolutely love the mothers day present. It's way different. I want to have a picture taken on the ship with us all & do this. Was it expensive? I love it"

"Anyway wouldn't it be neat to have one for each family done? I mean of everyone in the family. Huh Huh Huh?"

"The ship will take the picture for us one night and we can have them made. sound fun? We're fun people. Doin' the cruise thing. Yep Uh huh. We're on the countdown."

"Oh.My.Goodness. No more caffeine for you."

Conversation in the Circus

Each color represents a different child, black is me:
Setting: This morning, Saturday, getting ready to go four wheeling for the day.
"What's this bag for?" (Looking in a Wal-Mart sack full of good stuff for birthday presents).
"For Daphne and Morgan"
"Who's Daphne and Morgan?"
"We're going to a party today?"
"They're going camping with us?"
"No, we're going four wheeling today, we're not camping. They are not going to be there. Morgan's party is tomorrow."
"The party is today?"
"No, tomorrow."
"They're going with us tomorrow?"
"We're camping tomorrow?"
"They're going camping with us tomorrow?"
Sometimes I feel like I'm out numbered... and I'm pretty certain we'll continue this conversation as we pull out of the driveway in the car.

What's on YOUR menu?

This momma is STUMPED. We're eating the same things week after week. I need new, realistic ideas. Realistic, as in I want it to be hearty and satisfying while somewhat healthy (at least) while only taking a half hour to throw together because I just worked 10 hours and now I'm at home with my circus and we're starving and I don't have that much time in the evening with them to be slaving it all away in front of the stove. (How's that for a run on sentence?) So my question is, what are you having for dinner? And maybe what are some of your favorite recipe or food blogs?

I want to be like my 8 year old when I grow up

Tayler wanted "nonburnt steak" for her birthday dinner tonight. Needless to say, West cooked. Tayler has had some issues the past bit with being teased at school. It hit a peak for me as a mom, when she came home in tears because of mean things said by another little girl, Mean Sophie. (Why I oughta...!) I curled up on her bed with her and we both cried. My heart broke for her. We talked about possible solutions, and even felt we actually found one. No one would play with her at recess and it broke my heart to think of her all alone, handling the effects of rejection.
I'll let you in on Tayler. She is the epitome of sweetheart. She is quiet and gentle. She is kind and considerate. She amazes me. So to have her dealing with this treatment, it just seemed so unjustly dished upon her. And that's my unbiased view. If I were to tell you how I felt as the biased mom, I would simply say, "she's the best one out of all of you. You're lucky she wants to play with you." But that's probably rude so I'll try to stick with the unbiased version.
The next day I squirmed with anxiety while at work over her. I worried and watched the clock until I could call her. Finally.
"Hey sweetie, how did it go today?"
"It was totally AWESOME!" OK, not the response I was expecting, but not complaining.
"What happened? Tell me about it."
"I played with a boy named Ethan."
"How did that happen?"
"I asked him to play and he said YES."
My heart broke. I know, crazy, but what I realized was, day after day of asking kids to play, and being told, day after day, "no", right to her face, what does she do? She keeps asking. The girl is BRAVE. Even now as an adult I wouldn't do that.
It doesn't stop here. Guess who Tayler played with the next day... Sophie. Mean Sophie? The very same. After Sophie had said the words to send Tayler home in tears, what does she do? Asks her to play! She is everything I need to be. And I can only hope to be a fraction like her.
I know I'm the mom, and that I'm supposed to be teaching her and helping her to be a good person, but in all reality, she's miles ahead of me.
Happy birthday to my 8 year old hero.

Smelling like a dad

Most dad's have a job where they come home with a particular smell that will remind their children of them for the rest of time. Well, maybe not most, but some I guess. The receptionist at work loves the smell of oil, as her dad is our Valvoline rep. I didn't grow up with my birth dad, and my step dad was a firefighter so I don't have the smell factor for my dads, but I know West comes home smelling like sawdust. Aside from the time of day (or rather night) when my head hits my pillow for the night (oh sweet bliss), coming home from work is my favorite time of the day. Home. Husband. Circus. Heaven. My circus runs to me yelling "MOM!" and they wrap their arms around me and I hope they never grow out of this. And then they take a deep breath. This part I hope they DO grow out of. "I love the smell of tires Mom, it reminds me of you." *sigh* I do accounting. But I do it for Burt Brothers Tires. And I do it in their warehouse. You know, that great big giant building where they store all the tires for the stores. Mom's aren't supposed to smell like tires. Maybe I should get a job at a craft store, at least then I can come home smelling like cinnamon pine cones.

Day 11- a photo that makes me sad

Confession. I don't have one. And I've been putting this post off long enough (I seem to be doing that a lot with this project, though I DID finally find a picture of Audrey and me for this post on the person I've been the closest with:are you proud of me?)
So to get some ideas on what makes me sad, I asked West, "what makes me sad?" Here's his ideas:
"When I say 'I love boobie's, and don't say 'I love Stephie boobies.'" That's true. That makes me sad.

That's all I have.

Good Morning

Some mornings just don't start out the way you'd like them too...
That would be cereal and milk on the driver's seat of my car.

Oh is that the house with...

We went from "oh do you live in the house with the pillars?"...
to "oh, do you live in the house with all the bikes?"