Giving back, but taking more

I remember how hard it was right after my divorce.  Not the fact that I got divorced, I've actually been very at peace with that decision.  It was most definitely the best thing I could have done.  But what I'm thinking of is how hard church was.

I was already on the brink of inactivity.  Cali was such a force of nature.  Who am I kidding? She still is.  Cali, at three years old would act up.  She would get irate that she couldn't sit by me because her sisters got there first.  Or throw a tantrum over... who knew.  And I would have to take her out of Sacrament Meeting.  But what stressed me out was what was I supposed to do with the other three girls?  They weren't exactly old enough to sit there on their own.  Tayler was four and Casidee at the oldest was seven.  And without fail Cali would start her tantrums... and I was stressed beyond anything every Sunday.
I dreaded church.  It tried me on every level.  The place I was supposed to be gaining strength and support, was my biggest trial.
Some how I made it through that period of life.  I still go to church on my own, and the girls are now old enough to sit quietly (with a lot of shushing from their mother). Even Cali can quietly content herself with the church books in our bag for the hour.
A few weeks ago we had a tweak in our bishopric, essentially adding a new member to it.  Last week I saw his wife, across the chapel, walk out, carrying a not yet two year old, very fussy, twin daughter in her arms, while her other not yet two year old twin daughter and her five year old trailed behind her.
And I felt all the tenderness of the trial of that moment.  Only hers is a greater sacrifice than mine was because her husband wasn't sitting with her out of service to everyone else.
I had no doubts about what she needed.  And I had no doubts about what it was I was going to do.
Yesterday I sat with her.  I didn't have the circus with me, they were with their dad.  But I sat with her and in the first half hour of the meeting the twin girls started getting on each other's nerves.  She pointed out afterwards that it's at that point that it's all over for her.  Once they start in on each other there's no turning back.
But this time, she was able to take one into her lap, and I was able to take one into mine, and they were able to get their own attention, away from each other.  And she was able to sit through the whole meeting, with out having to take her kids out.
Maybe I didn't hear anything those speakers said yesterday.  But as I held that little girl on my lap and pointed out pictures in a book to her, I have never felt my heart so full. And next week the circus will be right there with us.  Doing the most simple of things, sitting with these little girls.  And maybe next week with the circus there to point out pictures in books to them, we mother's might actually get to listen to a thing or two.
I didn't have anyone helping me when I was in that particular situation.  But I have had help in my life when my needs have been great.  And I am truly more blessed than I deserve. How grateful I am to be able to give back a little.  And even as I try to "give back" a little, I think I'm still going to walk away from this experience taking more than I gave.